A Year Of Random Questions & Thoughts

Written in October of 2007....I stopped blogging for awhile because I felt that my mind, heart & spirit weren't in a good place and everything I wrote was a reflection of things I would rather not share.
It has been one year ( actually, it was a year ago yesterday ), since I lost a dear friend, Edie to Breast Cancer.
 It made me question so many things about life and why we are here. Why, if there is a God, would he take someone like her away from her friends and family? Why not take someone who wasn't so vibrant and good?  Why take someone away from this ugly world that made life more fun, who made life more beautiful for so many? Someone that made people feel better about life, just because they knew her? Why did she have to suffer, even though she never let on to anyone that this damned disease was winning the battle? Why did her family have to lose this wonderful mom, wife, daughter, sister? Why not take someone that didn't do good in the world, someone that didn't help others?
   All through my own battle with this disease, she was there to encourage me through my treatments. Those moments when I was feeling down or when chemo was kicking my ass, when the neulasta shots they gave me  after chemo made me feel like my bones had turned to hot lava.  She was dying and yet, she kept encouraging me to stay strong and to fight... encouraging me to live!
   It has been a year...and in this one year, how many times, I have wanted to pick up the phone and just say "hi" or "Thank You" and I can't, because she was taken from us!  But the world is full of ugly people that hurt others, people that steal, lie, & kill, people that hurt children & elderly....others that don't do anything at all...Is it because she was too good to be here?  That makes no sense to me!!! She helped the world by always helping someone else and by always being kind.
It has been a year and there is still a void, an empty spot that can't be filled...she was a very tiny person, but she left a huge empty spot for so many people.

Rough Waters

ROUGH WATERS…A Personal Journey

This river that we are sailing down was not of our choosing. I suppose it never is, but at moments like these we realize just how little control we have over our course of direction. This journey would not have been on our itinerary if we had a choice.

We were not heading in this direction, when we slammed into the first rock.

Cancer- malignant! Wow, it took three Doctors…Kovach, Warren and Stevenson before it truly sunk in that we had, indeed hit this rock.

By the time it finally occurred to us that this was really happening ~to us~ right now, we had hit the rapids, we were upside down, over the falls, taking on water, spinning out of control and gasping for breath.

There were people on the river bank that were calling out to us – "you are in the river" "start paddling" "Breath" "There is another waterfall ahead" "Stay to the right" "stay to the left" "Are you okay?" "Get out of the river" "You can make it downstream" "Others have gone before you!"" Most people survive this journey" "Keep paddling and don't look back" "Paddle harder, paddle faster" "watch out here comes the whirlpool!"

When one is stuck in a whirlpool, one cannot swim toward the surface; one cannot triumph over the downward force of the water.

  

 One must swim downward with the pressure, letting the turbulence push down, out, and then up.  That requires presence of mind, especially when one isn't sure what is up or what is down.  It is dark, you can feel the burden, the force, the coldness of the water and you know you have to keep swimming. Keep swimming ...blindly.

For this moment, we have righted the boat and we are learning how to paddle, know that we are on the river, know there is rough water ahead, know there are people on the bank and even in the water to offer help and know that we will make it! People on the banks of the river, offer various options and support, they offer suggestions and alternative methods in how we can conquer this river. The people that are in the water are fighting this right beside us, For I may have this river that I must battle inside my body, it is my husband and my family that are holding on to the shore lines trying to keep my boat steady in the rough waters.

It isn't just me out here in this water, alone, we have cancer, one of us must fight the internal battle, and the others must hold the lines to keep the boat steady. We are now one, one team that must face up to this challenge, overcome this river together, we are each afraid and we must each give courage and strength to each other, knowing that after this struggle, we will all endure! Although we each have thoughts and fears that are individual, struggles that affect us each personally, it is our varied strengths that will make our team strong enough to pull safely to the shore.

We will make this river our river and we will survive!